Spite is something that people usually think of as a negative, but I use spite in my life as a positive. I have used it as a weapon of mass construction since I was little. I have constructed a life around it, in fact.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t hear the words ‘You can’t do that,’ and didn’t think, YES I CAN. AND I WILL.
It has always been this way.
It came up again this week, when a friend of mine was asking me to interview for a position at her company; a position that I am qualified for.
I was telling my mother about it, when she said to me…’oh, I don’t know about that. It sounds like a very big position. Would you really be able for that?’
Well, any doubt that I had in my mind was suddenly replaced with anger and spite. ‘I will do it if I want to do it,’ I told her.
She went on to tell me that she worries because I have MS…
Ah, yes…MS…That little fuck of a disease in my brain…The reason people tell me I am so lucky that I work and have a career.
Yes…MS…the reason I should be scared and just be grateful for what I have…NOT!
I have had a pain in my eyes every day for the entire summer…I get up and go to work anyway…why? SPITE!
I have a pain in my leg and weakness in my hand, but I pick up my toddlers every day…In fact, I let them jump on me and pretend I am their horse and they giggle…why? SPITE!
My under eyes have been dark for weeks because I have not been on any MS medication in over 7 months…So I bought a new Chanel concealer…why? SPITE!
Had I let MS stop me from what I wanted to achieve, it would have taken even more than that.
My mother inadvertently gave me just the fuel I have been yearning for to advance my career. If MS is going to tag along with me for the ride, then this ride is going as far as it can go. Anyone who thinks I should not continue climbing the career ladder because of MS is wrong. I want to achieve a certain amount in my life, so while this roller coaster is still in operation…I am going to take the loops…In SPITE of what people…or MS think I should do.
I am one of those people who is not easily shocked. Ever. But I must admit that I saw something this week that shocked me.
It is a website devoted to promoting affairs. Their tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair.”
I almost fell off my chair. I mean, really? How much bad karma can you accumulate starting or using a site like this? There are categories you can choose from to discreetly peruse through other married people you might start a dangerous liaison with.
Affairs are no laughing matter, and to treat the act of lying to a spouse so blasé is appalling. My first husband had an affair for eight months, whilst I was completely oblivious. he was so clever in his orchestration, that I missed the secret phone calls, the secret meet-ups, the secret presents he bought her, and the secret dinners…And I was around! I was not off on business trips for half the year.
The pain that I felt when I discovered this was immense. There were so many feelings, that it is hard to pinpoint which one stood out over the others. Was it the shock? was it the depression? maybe the hatred, the grief, the hurt? the rage? the confusion? the inadequacy? the devastation? Hmmmm…..let me think…
It is not only the spouse who gets hurt. It is often other people around, including children. I know many people who have parents who have had an affair, and the pain they experienced from it is there, and often not dealt with properly.
I can tell you from my own experience, that parents of people who cheat, also get hurt…
And you know who else gets hurts? Who else becomes emotionally and spiritually depleted? The actual person having the affair.
I know plenty of people who had an affair. Most of them are not callous about it. Most were unhappy, and rightfully so, in a bad relationship. Most were lonely, and one thing led to the other. And most are not that happy about it. I am not judging these people. But I AM judging anyone who uses a site like this.
Affairs are a lose/lose decision.
Anyone searching a website that tells you life is short, have an affair, should be googling marriage counsellors or divorce lawyers instead. Maybe google how you can help someone else in need. If you are that unhappy in your situation, then consider throwing your energy elsewhere. Do something positive.
Why would people want to deplete themselves AND someone else who probably has a family? Websites like this give people permission to hurt other people. And hurting other people sucks.
For the past several weeks, I have been on a writing holiday…What I mean, is that I have not been writing. I have not been thinking about writing. (What I have mostly been thinking about is Gaza, but that is another story.)
Today, I decided, I need to get back to it, so I can finish my second book, Awkward Bitch 2, Ten years with MS.
Yes, that is the title.
I sat down and began taking out all my notes. Some are scribbles on paper ripped off from bags, some are on post its. I took out the printed book so far and started making piles. I opened my computer and tried to find where I left off.
I started to feel physically sick. I may actually interrupt this blog to go vomit. that is not a joke.
I put on Youtube and went to one of my inspiration videos; Florence and the machine, Never let me go, and now my heart has sunk down into the place I need it to be today.
People who don’t write, might not understand. Writing a true story is re-living…Over and over and over again. In the parts of my book where you will cry when you read it…I have cried writing it. I have cried re-writing. I have cried editing it.
Yes, don’t worry, this book has many more laughs than the first, and yes, I laugh writing those parts too.
But going back to write the dark really makes me feel ill. I am done re-living those moments, and yet I can’t be. I HAVE to finish. I am too close.